In Her Write Mind

A Separate Peace

I've started this post a number of times over the last month or so but I never felt my discussion of it was right...complete...enough.

So I'm going to try again. I think I'll get it right this time.

I figured out that it's not about telling the story as it happened.  It's more about what came out of it and where it's gone since then. I realized that this whole time I was processing it and only now was I ready to go on record.

When I was back in NY I met up with that person from my past. You know the one. They were the one that quite a few angry/sad/reminiscent posts have been written about. They were the who had haunted my dreams on a number of occasions, much to my despair. They were the one that I couldn't seem to escape no matter what I did...the one I hadn't spoken to or seen in a couple of years, yet was still a huge part of a very influential unresolved situation in my life. 

I had come to peace with it, though. I had come to terms with the fact that a friendship could never and should never be between us. I struggled with that idea for so long. So painfully long. I mourned. I fought it. I denied it. I said that I went through all of the steps of the grieving process while saying goodbye to that friendship. But then there was that one day where I happened upon an old journal from high school. I read it cover to cover and it was that exact moment that everything, the darkness, the pain, completely lifted. I wrote about it on here. It was THE eureka moment. Everything made sense at that point. It was what I needed in order to accept the way things had to be, how they've always been and how our futures were already decided for us. I was overcome with such a sense of peace. It was almost tangible.  I no longer felt anger. I no longer felt sad. I no longer longed for the past and the "what ifs..." It is what it is. It was what it was. 

So why did the meeting take place, you ask? I dunno. One day, a few weeks prior, I was sitting at my desk and these words came to mind...I heard them and saw them like a scrolling marquee in my mind's eye: "Email XXX and ask her to lunch." While the fact that was completely out of the blue wasn't lost on me, the fact that I didn't hesitate for a second is what I found the most interesting. I had let go of all that. I didn't think of it...of her anymore. There was nothing left. That area of my life and heart had been packed away and filed under, "dealt with."  I was sure I didn't need it. I wondered what good...or bad...could come from it. I knew that I was told to do it from a power higher than myself and I've learned to listen and act on what I'm told because these events take me into the direction I'm supposed to go.

It was like someone took over me. I wrote the email in seconds. The whole "event", from getting the message to composing the email took less than 3 minutes. The only hangup I had was that I did not remember her email address. It was returned to me the first time then I thought of a new one and told myself that if it didn't go through that time then that's that. It went through. Here's the email:

"I'm going to be in town around the holidays. How about lunch...just you and me? No animosity. No drama. Just lunch."

She later told me that she hesitated and was like "what the fuck?" for an hour before responding. She said the thing that basically made her decision was the "no drama" part. That doesn't surprise me because I know that's the piece of this very complicated problem that I always brought to the table.

I didn't have any expectations. Hell, I didn't even know why I was there. I didn't want to rekindle a friendship. We were (are) so bad and toxic for each other. That's painfully obvious. I know this. I've accepted this. I tried not to speculate on what she thought (or feared ha!) would happen. I just went. And so did she.

We talked for a couple of hours. I told her I had no intention of rehashing anything and I didn't want anything from her. I wasn't going to ask anything of her. I told her I didn't hate her or wasn't angry with her, however I had been for a long time. I told her why. Then I told her the situation that led to our estrangement was not a new concept. It has been like that our entire lives...just with different people... and that I know it will never change and that's why things will never be easy for us. And that a relationship that was almost 2 decades old shouldn't be hard. But it is. And it always was and I'm confident it always will be. 

I was overcome with such a sense of peace that I knew this meeting was meant to take place...had to take place. I was talking about no drama and there wasn't any drama. She admitted she was having a hard time believing that (it's me after all) and that's a fair feeling because that's all she's known. But it wasn't an act on my part and I felt no need to convince her of anything...because I didn't want anything from her. See how this all fits together? No? Maybe that's why I had to process everything for a month before sitting down to write this.

I asked her if she had any questions for me and she asked one and I answered and I think it made more sense to her. I kind of had a feeling there were more questions but she didn't want to or know how to ask them. I'm always open to answering any questions she has. I had questions for years and I had to work them out on my own and it was such a painful, long process. But I learned SO MUCH about myself because of the work I did. I learned things that I never would've learned had she not been in my life and had this situation not taken place.

I love her and I want her to be happy. But I no longer hope that some day there will be a place for me in her world. That was the final piece of the puzzle that I had to let go of. It was a separate peace I didn't know I was missing until I got the chance to say goodbye in person.

Please render me unable to ever talk again

So this may come as a HUGE surprise to you but sometimes (okay most of the time) when I drink what little filter I have essentially disintegrates with each drop. Typically not a huge issue because if I do say something cringe-worthy, everyone else is drunk enough to 1) either not notice or 2) not remember. Me, on the other hand, rarely (for reals) gets drunk enough to forget shit. That's both a blessing and a curse.

So my last post was about this new restaurant where I work and where the other workers are kind of rude and standoffish to me and the male bartender seems to HATE me for some unknown reason. I had planned on, at some point, coming right out and asking him what his deal was.  Weelll...I thought about it and had an opportunity or 2 but I didn't. Instead I gave him a hard time re: a margarita situation from before. I was sarcastic and sickeningly sweet and I actually got a smirk. Actually I'm not sure he knew what to make of me.

ANYWHO. Fast forward to the end of the night. Something had happened with my last customers that upset me. Basically they blamed me for something I didn't do. I felt really badly so I asked the "other new girl" if she wanted to have a drink and she said her friends were stopping by and I could join them. So I did. And another "old, existing" employee with HER friend had been there for a few hours drinking as well. So we all got to chatting... I was only going to have ONE drink but then new girl had another so did I. I was only part way through that when she and her friends had to go. So I was there with old girl (I'll call her Cathy) and her friend. I started talking to them and somehow mentioned that Tom the bartender (Is that what I dubbed him in the last post?) seemed to hate me because he was essentially always a jackass to me.  She laughed and said he was that way with all the new girls and then called him over and told him I said that. He seemed genuinely surprised but that conversation essentially broke the ice with him. The chill subsided and I was SO RELIEVED! To the point where Cathy and her friend went out to have a smoke and Tom actually came over to me and was making small talk. I was like FINALLY!

Fast forward to 2 shots and 3 more captain and cokes for a grand total of 5. Cathy mentioned Tom's WIFE coming in earlier with their daughter. I had met the daughter and she's a cutie pie but I just caught a glimpse of his WIFE and, no joke, I thought it was his MOTHER. Now I don't remember now what she looked like other than she had white blond hair in kind of a 50-ish year old, layered bob. Kind of the hair that elegant, rich older woman have. But from what I remember, she did NOT look like the wife of a 36-year old man. She looked to be in her late 40s, early 50s.  No I didn't do the math of "if he's 36, she's got to be at least 55 or 56 and does she look that?" So anyway...Cathy mentioned his wife coming in with Sarah and I blurted out, "he's married?! That was his wife?! I thought THAT WAS HIS MOTHER." Yes. I did. No, really I did.  Open mouth, insert fucking punch in my mouth.

Now I don't know if he heard this conversation, and I wouldn't have been surprised if he did, but regardless, he will have found out about it. No matter how nice Cathy is, her loyalties are with Tom, and that's not surprising. She doesn't know me. However, this interaction took place a little while after she said that "out of the entire round of new hires, I am (you are) the only one that I have not heard one person say a bad thing about." Nice. Now I deserve a fucking pat on the back after my little performance this is SURE to re-piss Tom off. For reals this time.

Buuuttt...just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...

During the "that was his wife" conversation Cathy mentioned something about the wife being a hair dresser and I have NO CLUE how this word/subject came up at that point or immediately thereafter, but a discussion of someone's "rack" was taking place.  So in my alcohol-slowed brain, I'm still kind of in the "omg he's married and his wife came in, I thought it was his mother and she's a hairdresser" mindset when I said "wow...Sarah has it made when she gets older!" During the "rack" conversation they were having, mind you. I had inadvertently made that comment about a 2-year old, to which Cathy replied, "I don't think Tom wants to think about his 2-year old having a "rack." OMFG. This is a true story. I was like, "no! omg I mean having a mother as a hair dresser! I have a friend who does and she always had the most beautiful hair growing up!" Buuutttt...the damage was done, I suppose. I don't remember at what point this conversation took place and I don't know how long I was there after but I definitely felt like the pedophile, inappropriate creepy new girl at this point. All because my timing was horrible, I wasn't paying full attention to the conversation around me, my communication skills were seriously lacking and my filter could've used a few patches at this point.

Everyone was very nice until I left but of course, with my way over-reactive brain working for the last 2 days, I'm dreading going into work. Again. For a completely different reason. I feel like I went from FINALLY being accepted (to a certain degree, at least) to being the new girl who had too much to drink, acts like a fucking creepy retard and shouldn't be allowed to drink with them ever again. Not that I'm going to. God only knows what'll come out of my mouth then.

I'm totally paranoid that the entire staff has heard of my terrible faux pas. I was supposed to work tonight and was kind of looking forward to it to gauge the damage however the other new girl said she'd take my shift (I had asked her early Wed and she said she couldn't at that time but texted me a little while ago.) I could really use the time to pack and get ready for NY but I struggled with the desire to get this "first meeting after THAT night" over with and deal with any repercussions there may be. J thinks I'm completely overreacting and paranoid and blowing things out of proportion in my head and way over thinking things. GOD I HOPE SO! I haven't been able to think anything else since then.

I just have to keep this in mind: the damage (if any) is already done. I had probably been talked about, maybe even in a negative light, but there's nothing I can do to control what people say and think about me. I made a mistake drinking too much around them in my attempt to "fit in" and it may have very backfired on me. Which is something I have to deal with, unfortunately. We'll see tomorrow night. I work with both Cathy and Tom so...