I can't really put into words what it's like to see what used to be your dream home, your safe haven, for sale on the internet. Or even worse...in foreclosure. That's such a dirty word. J and I used to roll our eyes at the scumbags in Syracuse who lived next to us...a whole line of them....all forclosing on the same house. We're in that group now. I really don't think it matters what got you there. Sure, some reasons are more agregious than others, but the ending is all the same.
I new realtor took new pictures and they were like a stab in the heart. Seeing them actually made my heart hurt. J has left up some of my wall hangings. The little dog bone key holder, the doorknob art that adorned the front entryway. Even the refridgerator magnets are still there. The curtains are still up. Curtains I remember picking out so carefully. I remember it like it was yesterday. The fireplace poker set and firewood bucket. All still there. Those are all a part of our life together. The flowerpots in the greenhouse. All of it. All of the memories and energy is still there. Everything is frozen in time.
The grass hasn't been cut and my wildflowers in front all overgrown. Everything is overgrown. Everything is in disrepair. Uncared for. Untended. Left to die or grow wild. Looking at the grass I can tell it's starting to turn into field grass so the new owner is going to have a hell of a time turning it back into regular lawn. It might even need to be reseeded. I wonder when the last time he cut the grass was.
The house is priced to go quickly and for that I'm glad. It's almost a year since I left it all behind.September 10 was the day that the moving van pulled away for the last time and we started our 21 hour trek back to NY. It has been the worst year of my life. I don't even know how I survived. Actually I'm surprised I survived because I wanted to die and really contemplated doing it so many times.
It's gotten easier over time. The pain never goes away...it just changes form. It's like matter...it can't be destroyed and it just changes its state. I don't think the pain will ever completely go away. I'll just be better at putting it in a place where it doesn't affect me as much. I'm waiting for the scar to form on my heart because once that happens, that spot is tougher than before. I long for the day that that happens.