In Her Write Mind

Potholes and pissiness

I am supremely unhappy. Not just at the moment (though I am) but in general. I don't know if I'm hormonal or if it's a build up of everything and it's all kind of hit me at once.

I absolutely hate living in MN. I couldn't wait to get away from the shithole called Syracuse and it was a refreshing change at first but I hate the people here. I have made very few friends in the over 2.5 years we've been here--just my neighbor across the street and the gay couple with whom I now have a rocky relationship with because I'm constantly bashing MN people. I got the job at the restaurant to get out and meet people and, as I've written about before, my coworkers barely talk to me, and probably constantly talk ABOUT me. The last few shifts I've kind of just let go and was myself in all of my sometimes socially awkward, goofy self. I really don't give a shit anymore. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I've found that I have an even shorter fuse with J when it comes to stupid shit and I wonder if a lot of it has to do with the fact that he brought me here and it's a large source of my unhappiness at the moment. I've found that I hate the house more and more. I've kind of given up on having a life here and am counting the days until I can make my escape. I actually told J I'm out of here in 2.5-3 years, with or without him. And I mean it. I know it seems like a long time because obviously I'm not keen on the idea of abandoning my husband so I at least want to give him a shot at getting his professional ducks in a row. That's the time frame in which he'll find out if he'll be tenured. But I swear on my life...it will not be a minute longer and I will go where I want to go for the first time in a very long time. I've lived where his life and career has dictated for the last 6-7 years and staying here that much longer will put me at 10. That's a long fucking time to not be able to live my own life where I want to live if. I suppose that's part of being married but there comes a point where I have to take control over my life and my happiness. No one else is going to step up to the job.

All of that means that I have to really hone in on what I want to pursue professionally in order to be able to stand on my own two feet if it ever comes to that. It may also come to the point where he has to take a pay cut in order to get us the fuck out of here and in order for us to continue our standard of living I'll have to either really vamp up whatever endeavour I'm into at the moment or workout outside the house at God-only-knows-what. I don't consider working at the restaurant working outside the house because that money is used to buy the expensive things I want that would take longer to save for (because I'm anti-credit). I just bought a $4k Pottery Barn living room set that will be here in 2 weeks or so. This is courtesy of my restaurant work and my tech editing work. I just made a deposit in the bank that will cover our half bath remodel including a $500 vanity, new paint, new fixtures (faucet, light, etc). That used to be so far down on the list it was almost not even on the list. Now it's just a matter of finding the time and energy to do it.

Now it is so tempting to save this money for less practical yet more fun things like traveling. I have my eye on Costa Rica. It's going to be at least $3k for the week but the photography aspect of it has me salivating. But on the other hand, when I come up with that money, that will be a nice chunk towards remodeling our destroyed finished basement, depending on the type of flooring. Carpet will run $1000-$1500 and hardwoods would start at $2k because I absolutely refuse to have laminate "hardwoods" anywhere in my home so this is the real stuff. We'll hire someone to fix the drywall and I have no clue what that will run us. Not only that but I have lofty plans to knock out a wall and combine 2 smaller rooms so that will need to be finished by said drywall person. Throw in some painting and we have a nice chunka-change. So it's a practical use of money vs. hedonistic. Given my miserable state, you know which one I'm craving.

So I don't know where this road paved with miserableness is going to take me. As typical of MN roads, it's got a fuckload of potholes. I guess I just have to keep chugging along and hope it doesn't fuck up my car.

A Separate Peace

I've started this post a number of times over the last month or so but I never felt my discussion of it was right...complete...enough.

So I'm going to try again. I think I'll get it right this time.

I figured out that it's not about telling the story as it happened.  It's more about what came out of it and where it's gone since then. I realized that this whole time I was processing it and only now was I ready to go on record.

When I was back in NY I met up with that person from my past. You know the one. They were the one that quite a few angry/sad/reminiscent posts have been written about. They were the who had haunted my dreams on a number of occasions, much to my despair. They were the one that I couldn't seem to escape no matter what I did...the one I hadn't spoken to or seen in a couple of years, yet was still a huge part of a very influential unresolved situation in my life. 

I had come to peace with it, though. I had come to terms with the fact that a friendship could never and should never be between us. I struggled with that idea for so long. So painfully long. I mourned. I fought it. I denied it. I said that I went through all of the steps of the grieving process while saying goodbye to that friendship. But then there was that one day where I happened upon an old journal from high school. I read it cover to cover and it was that exact moment that everything, the darkness, the pain, completely lifted. I wrote about it on here. It was THE eureka moment. Everything made sense at that point. It was what I needed in order to accept the way things had to be, how they've always been and how our futures were already decided for us. I was overcome with such a sense of peace. It was almost tangible.  I no longer felt anger. I no longer felt sad. I no longer longed for the past and the "what ifs..." It is what it is. It was what it was. 

So why did the meeting take place, you ask? I dunno. One day, a few weeks prior, I was sitting at my desk and these words came to mind...I heard them and saw them like a scrolling marquee in my mind's eye: "Email XXX and ask her to lunch." While the fact that was completely out of the blue wasn't lost on me, the fact that I didn't hesitate for a second is what I found the most interesting. I had let go of all that. I didn't think of it...of her anymore. There was nothing left. That area of my life and heart had been packed away and filed under, "dealt with."  I was sure I didn't need it. I wondered what good...or bad...could come from it. I knew that I was told to do it from a power higher than myself and I've learned to listen and act on what I'm told because these events take me into the direction I'm supposed to go.

It was like someone took over me. I wrote the email in seconds. The whole "event", from getting the message to composing the email took less than 3 minutes. The only hangup I had was that I did not remember her email address. It was returned to me the first time then I thought of a new one and told myself that if it didn't go through that time then that's that. It went through. Here's the email:

"I'm going to be in town around the holidays. How about lunch...just you and me? No animosity. No drama. Just lunch."

She later told me that she hesitated and was like "what the fuck?" for an hour before responding. She said the thing that basically made her decision was the "no drama" part. That doesn't surprise me because I know that's the piece of this very complicated problem that I always brought to the table.

I didn't have any expectations. Hell, I didn't even know why I was there. I didn't want to rekindle a friendship. We were (are) so bad and toxic for each other. That's painfully obvious. I know this. I've accepted this. I tried not to speculate on what she thought (or feared ha!) would happen. I just went. And so did she.

We talked for a couple of hours. I told her I had no intention of rehashing anything and I didn't want anything from her. I wasn't going to ask anything of her. I told her I didn't hate her or wasn't angry with her, however I had been for a long time. I told her why. Then I told her the situation that led to our estrangement was not a new concept. It has been like that our entire lives...just with different people... and that I know it will never change and that's why things will never be easy for us. And that a relationship that was almost 2 decades old shouldn't be hard. But it is. And it always was and I'm confident it always will be. 

I was overcome with such a sense of peace that I knew this meeting was meant to take place...had to take place. I was talking about no drama and there wasn't any drama. She admitted she was having a hard time believing that (it's me after all) and that's a fair feeling because that's all she's known. But it wasn't an act on my part and I felt no need to convince her of anything...because I didn't want anything from her. See how this all fits together? No? Maybe that's why I had to process everything for a month before sitting down to write this.

I asked her if she had any questions for me and she asked one and I answered and I think it made more sense to her. I kind of had a feeling there were more questions but she didn't want to or know how to ask them. I'm always open to answering any questions she has. I had questions for years and I had to work them out on my own and it was such a painful, long process. But I learned SO MUCH about myself because of the work I did. I learned things that I never would've learned had she not been in my life and had this situation not taken place.

I love her and I want her to be happy. But I no longer hope that some day there will be a place for me in her world. That was the final piece of the puzzle that I had to let go of. It was a separate peace I didn't know I was missing until I got the chance to say goodbye in person.