All I have to say is thank God I'm on legal mood-altering drugs. None of this may seem like a big deal to you and you will probably wonder why it has affected me so much, but I can't give you those answers. For once in my life I can't put it into words.
Before the wedding I was warned about the "Post-Wedding Blues." Everyone from recent brides to my wedding planner to virtual strangers told me to expect to feel very down in the weeks following the wedding. The reason behind this was because brides were the center of attention for a whole day and everything was about them and they had this perfect day where they looked perfect and...<gag> Not only am I so glad it's finally over, I am still dealing with the fallout from it.
For example, I have a rise in anxiety levels when I flip through the channels and some of the 1000's of wedding shows that are on nowadays are replaying the story about this perfect wedding or this spectacular wedding cake. I HATE anything and everything having to do with weddings, specifically my wedding. From the outside, everything apparently was beautiful and wonderful and great and "the best they've ever been to..." (lie!) But those closest to me noticed little things, like my immediate tensing up at the first sounds of the organ, or the devastated tears that were coming down during our jonesing priest's sermon.
While those signs may or may not have been visible to the rest of the guests, I don't think I'll ever know because noone will admit to it. Here I am. Almost 2 months to the day since The Beautiful Circus. Crying again as I write this. I try to think of the things that I did like about that day; the way we looked, the uniqueness of some of the details that I put so much work into, seeing family and friends having a good time. But that relief is fleeting. And then once again I am left with the disappointment that noone can seem to get.
I have so much going on in my life right now that this should just be a blip in my past that fades as I look into the future, but it's a blip that doesn't seem to fade. It may flicker at times, but it still burns. A man I know who has seen his share of heartbreak told me recently that it's OK to look back, but just don't stare. Someday, maybe.
