In Her Write Mind

Currently Playing on my iPod

• What if You- Joshua Radin
• I'm Not Read to Make Nice- Dixie Chicks
• Collide (acoustic)- Howie Day
• Pills- The Perishers
• Stay- Dave Matthews Band
• Humble Me- Norah Jones
• Damn I Wish I Was Your Love- Sophie B. Hawkins
• Falling Slowly- Glen Hansard
• Bad Romance- Lady Gaga (Glee version)
• Poker Face- Lady Gaga (Glee version)
• Gives You Hell- All America Rejects
• Keep Holding On- Avril Lavigne (Glee version)
• Why Can't I- Liz Phair
• Say Goodbye- DMB

Quite the eclectic mix, eh?

They will never know unless you tell them

For some reason I received an email that a comment was added to a post I wrote in September 2009 on a site I am no longer affiliated with...and haven't been for a long time. It's kind of ironic...and funny, actually. I've read it over and over because it has absolutely nothing to do with the topic of the post- meaning it's spam. But it's unlike any spam comment I've ever received:

"A motto in my life that inspires my writing: They will never know unless you tell them."

I've tried. It may be in my "own way," but I've tried.

"I don't owe you anything."

Can you do me a favor?

I love-and hate- very passionately. And that's both served me well and caused me pain. It doesn't matter if it's friendship or romantic love.

I have some old friends whom I love dearly and we've been friends for years. Our friendships have been so easy and drama free and never once have I felt that I valued the friendship more than they did. It's always been 50/50 most of the time and those numbers go up and down as our lives change and we may need more support in a situation. But I know I can always count on them. We may not talk for months at a time but I know that I can call them up and/or get together with them when I'm in town and we will inevitably get to laughing about something from our "youthful days." And it's wonderful and it makes me smile just thinking about it.

But then there are others who I have never felt pulled their weight in the relationship. But I held on. For some reason, I don't really know why. It was rarely 50/50. I always felt that I cared more. And that our friendship/relationship meant more to me. This has happened in both friendships and romantic relationships and for the latter I always tried to do it like Patty Griffin says: "But you must always know how long to stay...and when to go." And that's what I would do. Some times were harder than others. Sometimes I had a really hard time letting go but I knew that that's what had to happen and so be it.

So why is it so hard for me to do that with friendships as well? Why is it so hard for me to abandon an obviously sunken boat? People would say things to me like, "Wow, I can't believe XXX wouldn't do that for you when you gave so much." Or "it seems like such a simple thing to do (or say), why did it always have to be you to do (or say) it?" I never had an answer. Even long after I said goodbye I would make excuses for those situations. But that's actually what led to this post. Why am I making excuses? Isn't this another favor I'm doing, another act of caring that I'm exhibiting when I would never get the same in return? Yes. It is. That brings me to a song that came on my iPod the other day. It took me by surprise actually because the last time I had really listened to it was when I was going through a tough breakup with a guy I said had a heart of stone. That strikes me as funny now, actually. It's "Cry" by Faith Hill.

Could you cry a little 
Lie just a little 
Pretend that your feeling a little more pain 
I gave now I'm wanting 
Something in return 
So cry just a little for me

I don't think he cried after I left. In fact I'm pretty sure he didn't because almost exactly a year later he was married. Here's to moving on...a talent some of us never seem to master. And something that some of are all too good at.

Sheets of paper

Last night I got to thinking about my past and there was a name that for the life of me I couldn't remember! This was probably due to the fact it's been like 6 years but also because my friends and I referred to him by a nickname of sorts. He very closely resembled a foreign president and that's what we always called him.Obviously to the point to where I forgot he actually had a real name.  LOL!

There were like 6 journals and a stack of lose papers. From reading them it seems as if I was writing them during working hours because they're mostly on yellow legal paper and note paper. The journals started the summer after my freshman year of college (Cape Cod Chronicles) and ended 2 wks after I met Jeff. So for the better part of 8 years I wrote about every meaningful event in my life-both happy and hurtful.

Now there were a bunch of writings from HS in there as well. I've talked about those before and I've touched on my feelings of those people before. While they pop up here and there in these writings...well...let's just say it wasn't one of the brightest times in our friendship. Hm. Kind of like now. The ironic thing is that much of that previous "issue" was due to the involvement of a third party. I smell theme. It doesn't matter anymore and that's not what I intended to talk about.

These writings made me laugh, slap my forehead in the DOH! manner, they made me a little sad, a little reminiscent and a lot amazed at how much everything has changed in these last few years.

I guess you could say I was err...slightly boy-crazy. Ok. A lot boy crazy. Some I remember...some I don't. Some I don't even remember after reading all of that stuff. Some of the stories ended and I never recorded that and some endings got recorded that weren't truly endings. Some endings were very hurtful and took me a long time to heal...others hurt less. A couple of them I think I will always look back on them fondly. A couple have an air of "what might've been" about them.

Let me get one thing straight before I go any further. Me writing about this stuff does not mean-in any way shape or form- that I'm unhappy in my marriage or where I am in my life. I am not nostalgic for the past, and I certainly don't want to relive any of it. I'm a writer and I feel deeply for all of the people that have touched my life during what was the most trying decade of my short life. I've lived 30 years and 10 of those were entirely spent finding myself, my voice, my emotions and discovering who I was. All of the people I encountered during that time had a part in shaping the person I am today. Without them I would not be the person that Jeff met, fell in love with and chose as his life partner. He knows this and not only excepts it, but is glad that I lived the life that I did because by the time I met him I was my own person. I was comfortable in my own skin and I was complete. It was at that point that I knew I could stop searching for whatever eluded me.

There was this one story that was written on little yellow paper. Those tiny legal pads. I started reading it and it took me back to that weekend and it was awesome. It was about my return to my alma mater 6 months after graduation and seeing the object of my 4-year obsession...I'll call him V. I admired V from afar for the first 3 years but in our 4th year we began working at the same place and became friends that way. We also had a class together. A small, intimate 8-people-around-a-table class. He was the guy who was super nice to everyone, and whenever he talked to me I stuttered and stammered and turned 10 shades of red. I had no self-confidence and felt very unworthy to be honest. We never flirted, and if he knew I felt the way I did he didn't let on. What we did have were great conversations. He was very smart and we talked about everything under the sun. He told me stories of his many adventures abroad and I enjoyed hearing the stories as much as I enjoyed watching the way he became completely animated and child-like as he told them. We would talk homework, discussed the books we were supposed to have read...made a few deals where he read the first half and I the second and we'd fill the other in. It was a very casual friendship because 1) I don't think he had any interest in me in THAT way and 2) I had no idea how to go about changing the situation. So I didn't. Instead I started dating his friend and teammate. A guy who also worked with us. I didn't do it maliciously. This new guy and I hit it off. The relationship lasted the entire school year and into part of the summer. I don't remember the last time I saw or talked to V.

Summer came and with it a lot of stress in my life. I lost a lot of weight due to a lack of appetite and a stomach that was at odds with everything I tried to put in it. I had moved to a new city to start a job and that just compounded everything. About 4 months after I started working there I met and began a relationship with a fellow employee. He was very good for me at the time. He was a solid foundation which is something that I desperately needed at that time. I really cared for him. A month after we started dating I went back to my alma mater for a weekend to meet up with a few of my girlfriends. School was going to be on break so it was a great time for all of us to get together and catch up as we all were living in different parts of the country by then. I arrived in the afternoon and my friend and I heard about a tournament going on and we decided to attend. It was a sunny October day and I was wearing big sunglasses.

A few minutes after we arrived I felt someone staring at me. Thankfully I had the sunglasses on because I was able to inconspicuously look to see who it was. V. Naturally I started freaking out (on the inside) and hissed to my friend that he was over there. Between the 2 of us we were both able to see that he kept looking over in our direction until he (finally) came over to say hi- in the form of a huge bear hug. I acted surprised to see him, of course. And tried not to pass out. And tried to make my face return to a healthy non-red color. We chatted and he kept saying how he barely recognized me because I looked so different (losing 40 lbs in 6 months will do that to a person). I don't remember what else we talked about.

That night she and our other 2 friends headed to a popular nightspot in town. We walk in and I immediately see V standing at the bar. Ok. I'll admit it. I looked hot. And I knew I looked hot. And I had a helluva lot more self-confidence this time around. I went up to get a drink and he nudged me and shook his head and smiled. I smiled back. Laughed actually. He said I was "stunning" and absolutely beautiful. It wasn't a line. V didn't do lines. He didn't have to because women chased HIM.  I don't know how we got on the subject but I asked him why he never asked me out and he immediately answered "because you were dating my friend and I could never do that to him."  He asked me if I was dating anyone now and I said that I was. He asked me if I was going to marry him and I said maybe. He said something like "he'd better treat you like a queen.You don't deserve anything less." We hugged and I walked away. 

That is where the story stops on those little sheets of yellow paper. But I can assure you, the story doesn't end there.

My friends and I left and went to a few more places that night. At the end of the night we ended up seeing V and his 3 friends at the last place we were at. The friends invited us back to their apartment for after hours. We agreed to go and the most sober out of the bunch drove my car back to their place. I sat shotgun and there was someone on my lap and at least 5 people in the back.  haha! Thank God it was a short ride. We got there and I can't remember if any of us drank any more. I didn't. We all hung out and listened to music and talked. Around 4am my friends and I got up to leave for our hotel. As I was walking away V grabbed my hand and said "Please don't go. Stay with me tonight." I looked at my friends and the expressions on their faces were...probably very much like mine. Speechless. What do you say to something like that? To this day it seems surreal. 

I don't remember saying yes, or ok and I don't remember them leaving. All I remember was following him down the hallway, not knowing his intentions or even mine.

I looked around his room and it was filled with the artifacts from those far away places he used to tell me stories about. I think we kissed then. We laid on the bed with his arms around me-fully clothed. I think I might've told him about my massive 4-year crush and he said something like "I wish you had told me." We kissed. We talked until the sun started to come up. At that point he fell asleep and I slipped out of his arms, kissed him lightly on the lips and left. That was the last time I ever saw, spoke to, or heard anything about him.

That, my friends, is where the story truly ends.

The Cat is (sorta) Out of the Bag

I'm really bad at keeping secrets. I mean really REALLY bad. Maybe it stems from my refusal to lie in a round-a-bout lying-by-omission kind of way? I don't know. All I know is that I've had a secret since Tuesday and I'm bursting at the seams! Is it a big deal? Not to most people, but I want to keep it secret from my family until we get to NY in August.

First off, no I am NOT, nor will I never be, pregnant. Ever. If my previous rants haven't tipped you off to this fact then maybe you should just stop reading because you obviously don't get me, my personality or my (somewhat odd) sense-of-humor. Me no liko kidso. I like babies fine, minus the getting up in the middle of the night thing. So I guess I like kids from age 1 to say...3? Yup. That's about it. At that point they can look me up when they're 30.

Anywho this post wasn't about my dislike of ankle biters. It's because I have a new toy, albeit a fairly expensive one...a new car!  Whoo hoo! It's my first new car eva. As in eva eva. I bought my first (used) car at age 21...a 1996 Ford Contour. Then in 2003 I gots me a (used) Ford Focus ZX5 which I've affectionately called Fiona Focus for the last 7 years. But it was time for Mama to upgrade a bit. Mama works hard. Mama has paid her car dues. Mama wanted luxury. So Mama got luxury, naturally because whatever Mama wants...Mama gets. (that last line was meant to be sung...as in "whatever lola wants...lola gets..." nevermind.)

So I went and bought myself an Infiniti EX35. Here's the link for those of you who have never been introduced to the awesomeness that is called Infiniti. It really is as fabulous as it looks. In case you want all of the dirty details I got the Journey AWD model in Scarlet Silver with Wheat leather and maple accents. I also got the Bose and Around View monitor package as well as the navigation package. What all of that means is that I have nifty cameras that show my car from every angle (including top down), a built in navigation system and a Bose sound system with (massive) sub-woofer. And then there are the little things like bumper protector, illuminated kick plates, roof rack, cargo protector, etc. etc. My car has a better computer and bigger hard drive than my desktop computer. The car is so f-in awesome that when I told the salesperson that I wanted to sleep in it I wasn't kidding. It's insane. It's got so much fun shit in it that I sit at stoplights and giggle. Not to mention look over at the poor, miserable SAHMs in their little Lexus van-things screaming at their darling little tots. Moving on...Everything can be controlled by voice...from the "Music Box" hard drive to the telephone to the temperature and navigation controls. It's nuts. It's over-the-top. It's hot. And it's all mine.

 

 
 
 

Beauty and the Beast

"...there's no other way when it comes to the truth."

"And truth be told I miss you. And truth be told I'm lying..."

Back up and running...

Now I'm PISSED. Pissed as in don't fuck with me because you're going to fucking lose pissed. When I went to hit publish on my last post I found that this said "old friend" had cancelled my hosting through them without telling me so my site was down. Obviously I straightened it out and got it back up after a day of reading up on how to change CNAME and crap like that. But whatever. If she wants to play this game, I will play. 

You see the thing is, she's not all that bright. In fact she's kind of stupid. Her business partner is her puppet master, hence the reason why she's allowed herself to get involved in these presumed illegal business activities, which I may add, I will quite possibly find all about tomorrow as I'm having the final meeting with the Private Investigator and he says he's got plenty to share. I believe him too, as he used his contacts in the IRS, FBI, Secret Service and some immigration officials to check everything out. I can't wait until I get the info! Depending on what it is and in what format, I will post some here...blacking out all of the names of course, because well, that just wouldn't be very nice. I will save the unveiling of the names when I find out the investment companies they're quite possibly involved with and I may or may not forward their legal departments this information as a casual FYI that there's some hinky shit going on. I tried playing nice. I really did. First you deleted the email account I used to work with YOUR clients without telling me, leaving me to explain the error messages and their inability to reach me and now this. What saddens me is that you know me so well, therefore you should know better. I will be the biggest fucking zit on your ass you ever imagined. You know how you were so concerned that if I look into your shenanigans I'd "ruin your life and XXX's life and his family's life and the business"? Well you should've kept those concerns in mind before pulling any more stunts with me.

So anywho, ya she's dumb. I used to do all her writing for her because when she writes it's very obvious she's a moron...and you can't have that when you're trying to defraud investors, now can you? Can barely put together a coherent sentence. It looks as if all of the remedial classes she took didn't help her. So ya, the puppet master pulls the strings. She thinks she's in control, and she probably has more control now than when this sham of a company was created, but I would put all of my money on the fact that she consults with him before taking a shit.

And regardless of what the PI finds...as there's a small chance they will turn up clean (even though I doubt they will as she freaked out on me when I mentioned the fact there was a tip line to report crooked people/companies to the IRS), the fact of the matter is it's a sham of a company who's schtick is "coming soon!" and "stay tuned!" and "sign up for an email the minute the site is up!" and then you wait. And wait. And wait. And here we are...months and YEARS later, no launch of any of these things they tout so much. I can't count the number of times that people asked me "what in the world do they DO because they seem to be all talk." THAT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE! THEY DON'T DO A GODDAMN THING! Even the PI said how their company description is a "vague cluster fuck that purposely doesn't give any concrete words on what they do because that way they aren't held accountable when they do nothing. Which seems to be all of the time." His words, folks. Not mine. A complete stranger. A 3rd party.

My temper and my "sting" (hey I'm a Scorpio) are slow burns, believe it or not. But when I am pushed over the edge, when fuel-so to speak- is added to my fire, no matter how small that last piece of straw was, it gets very ugly, very quickly. I've been pushed and there's no turning back. I've got my eye on the prize and that's taking them down and exposing them for the liars, cheaters, frauds and complete fucking clueless idiots they are. I will make everything known. Go ahead and sue me. PLEASE sue me, as I want it all on public record. I want all of the denials of their frauds in writing. I've asked for it before and they refused to do anything but have a conversation over the phone. How convenient. No paper trail. (thinking back I should've agreed to it and secretly recorded the conversation.) I want every person who volunteers their time (since they make no money they tend not to pay their employees except with giving everyone a useless, undeserved "Chief" title) to fall too for being fucking blind monkeys who unfortunately couldn't taste the poison in the kool aid.

She was right about one thing, though. They have a helluva lot more to lose than I do. We have a guaranteed fairly hefty income coming in. I have no livelihood resting on this bullshit. Thankfully I was smart enough to separate myself once I realized it was going nowhere quickly. While exposing this may make me look bad, at least the truth will be out and that sham of a company will topple as quickly as an Australian kangaroo can kick you in the ass.

Oh yes, my love. The water has definitely run dry this time around. You will not emerge from this smelling like the rose, I promise you that.

An old friend and a bottle of wine

I'm having one of those days. They come every once in a while. I don't know what-if anything- triggers them. Actually there have been very few lately, but that's probably just because the hurt is still so new and there was plenty of clear thinking behind the decision to cut ties...it wasn't a decision made from emotions running high.

Lying in bed this morning I just started thinking about how I miss my old friend. The one I recently had to cut ties with. I'm in no way regretting the stance I took in the situation because I still believe in everything I had said. (Side note: the damn PI supposedly found some information yet is dragging his feet in getting it to me. Yes, I am surrounded by honest, integrity-filled people.) Anywho I was thinking about this person and it led to this tweet:

"I miss you. The old you. The new you can kiss my a$$ seven ways from Sunday. But I could go for a hug and a bottle of wine from the old you."

And that sums up what I'm feeling perfectly. When these waves of sadness come over me, that sums those up as well. I guess you could say that I'm in the 4th stage of the grieving process...the sadness/depression. I'm getting closer to the end, though. I'm really starting to accept that the old friend is gone, and this newly created person has killed off any signs of life of the old one. And not only do I not like what this new person stands for and the decisions they make professionally, but these ideals have colored their personality. My friendship was no longer needed, therefore no longer cherished and respected. And this is what I am mourning. When this happens in your life where do you typically turn? In my case it was an old friend with a bottle of wine. 

And so we've come full circle...

Take this sinking boat and point it home

I was recently faced with a tough choice. Well, I guess it wasn't so tough after all because I was able to make it and not only sleep at night, but sleep better than I had slept in a while.

You see, I am faced with the possibility of someone I know and care(d) deeply about is making some dangerous-and possibly illegal- decisions in relation to their business. I've always has my suspicions when it came to the validity of the claims made by this person's associate. My gut always told me not to trust this associate from the moment I met them a couple of years ago.

I couldn't- and still can't- really put my finger on it. This person is very nice. Very friendly. Charming...the whole nine. This person was never anything but nice to me face-to-face, and who knows? Probably behind my back too. But again, my gut was just screaming that something wasn't right.I had cancelled numerous get-togethers with this "friend" because I had found out the associate was going to be there and I don't even like being in the same room as this person.

It took a very long time for me to gather the courage to approach my "friend" with some information that I had come upon when looking into their associate's past. It seems as if most-if not everything- that this person passes themselves off to be is a lie. I'm sure their name is correct. And I'm sure the state that they lived in prior to moving their entire family down the street from my "friend" is the right state. But you know what? I truly believe that is where the truth ends. This associate had lied to me on a number of occasions. A few I called them out on, a few I let slide. But that shit builds up, ya know? They are definitely one of those individuals that is a textbook case of "if your lips are moving you are lying."

This "friend" graciously thanked me for the information I passed along and that was the end of it. Immediately after this conversation their associate ceased all communication with me even though we were involved in a project together. I never heard another word from this person. This is just as well because frankly I was sick of putting on a happy face and pretending that I was stupid to all of the lies and games and pretending I didn't know of the fraud they were taking part in. Well....it seems that this person didn't like the fact that I actually had a brain in my head and questioned this information that they fed to everyone around them....those little disciples that were more than happy to drink the kool aid.

So anyway. In my extreme desire to get some answers I hired a private investigator to look into not only this associate, but a few other related details this as well.  Needless to say this didn't go over well AT ALL with this "friend" who claims they did checking of their own. (they never spoke of the results so I'm assuming they didn't really look or didn't care what came up). My claim is and always was/will be: what's the problem with me spending MY money to conduct a complete check on a person I think is a part of defrauding not only their associates, but any current and future business partners IF THERE'S NOTHING TO HIDE? Again, this is not a very welcome view of things.

Due to a recent very angry correspondence from this "friend" claiming that I was "ruining everyone's lives" if I submit a tip to the IRS via their tip line, (long story-completely unrelated tweet mentioning an article I had read where there is a tip line to report people suspected of financial improprieties) I contacted an attorney and showed them this message and they recommended I immediately cut all ties with this organization and its people (including "friend") because the contents of the message hint to some illegal activity happening that they are afraid of being found out. The attorney said that whether or not these individuals are truly guilty of anything, it would be in not only my best interest, but the best interest of my husband (who works in finance) to distance myself from what will -if anything illegal is going on- end up being a very ugly situation. I was told that the MAN will find out no matter what.  The MAN ALWAYS FINDS OUT.

I was asked on numerous occasions to let this go and asked why it consumed me so much etc.  And they are right...in a way. You see...I'm a slow burn. I can-and will- take a lot of crap and not do anything. Sure I'll make snide remarks under my breath or bitch to my husband but I rarely confront. But it just takes one tiny little thing. I don't know when. I don't know how much it takes. It just takes one thing to make the bulls come out of the gate and then there's no turning back and the only way I'm going to stop the running is if I have a gory ass on my horn. 

I was given an ultimatum by "friend". "Friend" essentially said if I pursue this our "friendship" was over. Little did "friend" know that this was a threat that fell on an empty heart because I considered the friendship dead for months. I was merely going through the motions with them. Right from the beginning I felt "friend" chose associate over me. Not in the "oh I like associate more!" way but in the way of where associate consumed "friend's" entire waking life. There was nothing left and the friendship wasn't nurtured from that side of the fence and I watched it die because it takes 2 people to make a friendship successful. I was tired of giving and I felt my frustration coming through in conversations with "friend" (professional conversations, of course. We hadn't had a strictly friendly phone call in years) In actuality, I mourned the end of the friendship last year...complete with crying and listening to sappy songs and everything. So when the "end" came for them, it meant absolutely nothing to me. It was almost a relief because I had been living my own lie for a long time. I was lying to not only "friend" but to myself and everyone around me that I even liked "friend" anymore. They were not- ARE NOT- the same person that I held such a special place in my heart for. They are a stranger. If we met on a subway, I would not even give them a second glance.

Sooo...here I am. I am waiting for the PI to get back to me with reports on his investigation but the results are merely to satisfy my curiosity and to prove to myself once and for all if my gut is right on with this person. Based on the fact that the friendship ended in a very ugly manner and that I am considered public enemy #1 in that circle...I figure the results are definitely going to make a nice read. If anything good has come out of this, I definitely have a great storyline for my novel.

PS- You know those sappy songs I mentioned? Here is one that meant the most: 

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along