In Her Write Mind

Potholes and pissiness

I am supremely unhappy. Not just at the moment (though I am) but in general. I don't know if I'm hormonal or if it's a build up of everything and it's all kind of hit me at once.

I absolutely hate living in MN. I couldn't wait to get away from the shithole called Syracuse and it was a refreshing change at first but I hate the people here. I have made very few friends in the over 2.5 years we've been here--just my neighbor across the street and the gay couple with whom I now have a rocky relationship with because I'm constantly bashing MN people. I got the job at the restaurant to get out and meet people and, as I've written about before, my coworkers barely talk to me, and probably constantly talk ABOUT me. The last few shifts I've kind of just let go and was myself in all of my sometimes socially awkward, goofy self. I really don't give a shit anymore. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I've found that I have an even shorter fuse with J when it comes to stupid shit and I wonder if a lot of it has to do with the fact that he brought me here and it's a large source of my unhappiness at the moment. I've found that I hate the house more and more. I've kind of given up on having a life here and am counting the days until I can make my escape. I actually told J I'm out of here in 2.5-3 years, with or without him. And I mean it. I know it seems like a long time because obviously I'm not keen on the idea of abandoning my husband so I at least want to give him a shot at getting his professional ducks in a row. That's the time frame in which he'll find out if he'll be tenured. But I swear on my life...it will not be a minute longer and I will go where I want to go for the first time in a very long time. I've lived where his life and career has dictated for the last 6-7 years and staying here that much longer will put me at 10. That's a long fucking time to not be able to live my own life where I want to live if. I suppose that's part of being married but there comes a point where I have to take control over my life and my happiness. No one else is going to step up to the job.

All of that means that I have to really hone in on what I want to pursue professionally in order to be able to stand on my own two feet if it ever comes to that. It may also come to the point where he has to take a pay cut in order to get us the fuck out of here and in order for us to continue our standard of living I'll have to either really vamp up whatever endeavour I'm into at the moment or workout outside the house at God-only-knows-what. I don't consider working at the restaurant working outside the house because that money is used to buy the expensive things I want that would take longer to save for (because I'm anti-credit). I just bought a $4k Pottery Barn living room set that will be here in 2 weeks or so. This is courtesy of my restaurant work and my tech editing work. I just made a deposit in the bank that will cover our half bath remodel including a $500 vanity, new paint, new fixtures (faucet, light, etc). That used to be so far down on the list it was almost not even on the list. Now it's just a matter of finding the time and energy to do it.

Now it is so tempting to save this money for less practical yet more fun things like traveling. I have my eye on Costa Rica. It's going to be at least $3k for the week but the photography aspect of it has me salivating. But on the other hand, when I come up with that money, that will be a nice chunk towards remodeling our destroyed finished basement, depending on the type of flooring. Carpet will run $1000-$1500 and hardwoods would start at $2k because I absolutely refuse to have laminate "hardwoods" anywhere in my home so this is the real stuff. We'll hire someone to fix the drywall and I have no clue what that will run us. Not only that but I have lofty plans to knock out a wall and combine 2 smaller rooms so that will need to be finished by said drywall person. Throw in some painting and we have a nice chunka-change. So it's a practical use of money vs. hedonistic. Given my miserable state, you know which one I'm craving.

So I don't know where this road paved with miserableness is going to take me. As typical of MN roads, it's got a fuckload of potholes. I guess I just have to keep chugging along and hope it doesn't fuck up my car.

A Separate Peace

I've started this post a number of times over the last month or so but I never felt my discussion of it was right...complete...enough.

So I'm going to try again. I think I'll get it right this time.

I figured out that it's not about telling the story as it happened.  It's more about what came out of it and where it's gone since then. I realized that this whole time I was processing it and only now was I ready to go on record.

When I was back in NY I met up with that person from my past. You know the one. They were the one that quite a few angry/sad/reminiscent posts have been written about. They were the who had haunted my dreams on a number of occasions, much to my despair. They were the one that I couldn't seem to escape no matter what I did...the one I hadn't spoken to or seen in a couple of years, yet was still a huge part of a very influential unresolved situation in my life. 

I had come to peace with it, though. I had come to terms with the fact that a friendship could never and should never be between us. I struggled with that idea for so long. So painfully long. I mourned. I fought it. I denied it. I said that I went through all of the steps of the grieving process while saying goodbye to that friendship. But then there was that one day where I happened upon an old journal from high school. I read it cover to cover and it was that exact moment that everything, the darkness, the pain, completely lifted. I wrote about it on here. It was THE eureka moment. Everything made sense at that point. It was what I needed in order to accept the way things had to be, how they've always been and how our futures were already decided for us. I was overcome with such a sense of peace. It was almost tangible.  I no longer felt anger. I no longer felt sad. I no longer longed for the past and the "what ifs..." It is what it is. It was what it was. 

So why did the meeting take place, you ask? I dunno. One day, a few weeks prior, I was sitting at my desk and these words came to mind...I heard them and saw them like a scrolling marquee in my mind's eye: "Email XXX and ask her to lunch." While the fact that was completely out of the blue wasn't lost on me, the fact that I didn't hesitate for a second is what I found the most interesting. I had let go of all that. I didn't think of it...of her anymore. There was nothing left. That area of my life and heart had been packed away and filed under, "dealt with."  I was sure I didn't need it. I wondered what good...or bad...could come from it. I knew that I was told to do it from a power higher than myself and I've learned to listen and act on what I'm told because these events take me into the direction I'm supposed to go.

It was like someone took over me. I wrote the email in seconds. The whole "event", from getting the message to composing the email took less than 3 minutes. The only hangup I had was that I did not remember her email address. It was returned to me the first time then I thought of a new one and told myself that if it didn't go through that time then that's that. It went through. Here's the email:

"I'm going to be in town around the holidays. How about lunch...just you and me? No animosity. No drama. Just lunch."

She later told me that she hesitated and was like "what the fuck?" for an hour before responding. She said the thing that basically made her decision was the "no drama" part. That doesn't surprise me because I know that's the piece of this very complicated problem that I always brought to the table.

I didn't have any expectations. Hell, I didn't even know why I was there. I didn't want to rekindle a friendship. We were (are) so bad and toxic for each other. That's painfully obvious. I know this. I've accepted this. I tried not to speculate on what she thought (or feared ha!) would happen. I just went. And so did she.

We talked for a couple of hours. I told her I had no intention of rehashing anything and I didn't want anything from her. I wasn't going to ask anything of her. I told her I didn't hate her or wasn't angry with her, however I had been for a long time. I told her why. Then I told her the situation that led to our estrangement was not a new concept. It has been like that our entire lives...just with different people... and that I know it will never change and that's why things will never be easy for us. And that a relationship that was almost 2 decades old shouldn't be hard. But it is. And it always was and I'm confident it always will be. 

I was overcome with such a sense of peace that I knew this meeting was meant to take place...had to take place. I was talking about no drama and there wasn't any drama. She admitted she was having a hard time believing that (it's me after all) and that's a fair feeling because that's all she's known. But it wasn't an act on my part and I felt no need to convince her of anything...because I didn't want anything from her. See how this all fits together? No? Maybe that's why I had to process everything for a month before sitting down to write this.

I asked her if she had any questions for me and she asked one and I answered and I think it made more sense to her. I kind of had a feeling there were more questions but she didn't want to or know how to ask them. I'm always open to answering any questions she has. I had questions for years and I had to work them out on my own and it was such a painful, long process. But I learned SO MUCH about myself because of the work I did. I learned things that I never would've learned had she not been in my life and had this situation not taken place.

I love her and I want her to be happy. But I no longer hope that some day there will be a place for me in her world. That was the final piece of the puzzle that I had to let go of. It was a separate peace I didn't know I was missing until I got the chance to say goodbye in person.

Please render me unable to ever talk again

So this may come as a HUGE surprise to you but sometimes (okay most of the time) when I drink what little filter I have essentially disintegrates with each drop. Typically not a huge issue because if I do say something cringe-worthy, everyone else is drunk enough to 1) either not notice or 2) not remember. Me, on the other hand, rarely (for reals) gets drunk enough to forget shit. That's both a blessing and a curse.

So my last post was about this new restaurant where I work and where the other workers are kind of rude and standoffish to me and the male bartender seems to HATE me for some unknown reason. I had planned on, at some point, coming right out and asking him what his deal was.  Weelll...I thought about it and had an opportunity or 2 but I didn't. Instead I gave him a hard time re: a margarita situation from before. I was sarcastic and sickeningly sweet and I actually got a smirk. Actually I'm not sure he knew what to make of me.

ANYWHO. Fast forward to the end of the night. Something had happened with my last customers that upset me. Basically they blamed me for something I didn't do. I felt really badly so I asked the "other new girl" if she wanted to have a drink and she said her friends were stopping by and I could join them. So I did. And another "old, existing" employee with HER friend had been there for a few hours drinking as well. So we all got to chatting... I was only going to have ONE drink but then new girl had another so did I. I was only part way through that when she and her friends had to go. So I was there with old girl (I'll call her Cathy) and her friend. I started talking to them and somehow mentioned that Tom the bartender (Is that what I dubbed him in the last post?) seemed to hate me because he was essentially always a jackass to me.  She laughed and said he was that way with all the new girls and then called him over and told him I said that. He seemed genuinely surprised but that conversation essentially broke the ice with him. The chill subsided and I was SO RELIEVED! To the point where Cathy and her friend went out to have a smoke and Tom actually came over to me and was making small talk. I was like FINALLY!

Fast forward to 2 shots and 3 more captain and cokes for a grand total of 5. Cathy mentioned Tom's WIFE coming in earlier with their daughter. I had met the daughter and she's a cutie pie but I just caught a glimpse of his WIFE and, no joke, I thought it was his MOTHER. Now I don't remember now what she looked like other than she had white blond hair in kind of a 50-ish year old, layered bob. Kind of the hair that elegant, rich older woman have. But from what I remember, she did NOT look like the wife of a 36-year old man. She looked to be in her late 40s, early 50s.  No I didn't do the math of "if he's 36, she's got to be at least 55 or 56 and does she look that?" So anyway...Cathy mentioned his wife coming in with Sarah and I blurted out, "he's married?! That was his wife?! I thought THAT WAS HIS MOTHER." Yes. I did. No, really I did.  Open mouth, insert fucking punch in my mouth.

Now I don't know if he heard this conversation, and I wouldn't have been surprised if he did, but regardless, he will have found out about it. No matter how nice Cathy is, her loyalties are with Tom, and that's not surprising. She doesn't know me. However, this interaction took place a little while after she said that "out of the entire round of new hires, I am (you are) the only one that I have not heard one person say a bad thing about." Nice. Now I deserve a fucking pat on the back after my little performance this is SURE to re-piss Tom off. For reals this time.

Buuuttt...just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...

During the "that was his wife" conversation Cathy mentioned something about the wife being a hair dresser and I have NO CLUE how this word/subject came up at that point or immediately thereafter, but a discussion of someone's "rack" was taking place.  So in my alcohol-slowed brain, I'm still kind of in the "omg he's married and his wife came in, I thought it was his mother and she's a hairdresser" mindset when I said "wow...Sarah has it made when she gets older!" During the "rack" conversation they were having, mind you. I had inadvertently made that comment about a 2-year old, to which Cathy replied, "I don't think Tom wants to think about his 2-year old having a "rack." OMFG. This is a true story. I was like, "no! omg I mean having a mother as a hair dresser! I have a friend who does and she always had the most beautiful hair growing up!" Buuutttt...the damage was done, I suppose. I don't remember at what point this conversation took place and I don't know how long I was there after but I definitely felt like the pedophile, inappropriate creepy new girl at this point. All because my timing was horrible, I wasn't paying full attention to the conversation around me, my communication skills were seriously lacking and my filter could've used a few patches at this point.

Everyone was very nice until I left but of course, with my way over-reactive brain working for the last 2 days, I'm dreading going into work. Again. For a completely different reason. I feel like I went from FINALLY being accepted (to a certain degree, at least) to being the new girl who had too much to drink, acts like a fucking creepy retard and shouldn't be allowed to drink with them ever again. Not that I'm going to. God only knows what'll come out of my mouth then.

I'm totally paranoid that the entire staff has heard of my terrible faux pas. I was supposed to work tonight and was kind of looking forward to it to gauge the damage however the other new girl said she'd take my shift (I had asked her early Wed and she said she couldn't at that time but texted me a little while ago.) I could really use the time to pack and get ready for NY but I struggled with the desire to get this "first meeting after THAT night" over with and deal with any repercussions there may be. J thinks I'm completely overreacting and paranoid and blowing things out of proportion in my head and way over thinking things. GOD I HOPE SO! I haven't been able to think anything else since then.

I just have to keep this in mind: the damage (if any) is already done. I had probably been talked about, maybe even in a negative light, but there's nothing I can do to control what people say and think about me. I made a mistake drinking too much around them in my attempt to "fit in" and it may have very backfired on me. Which is something I have to deal with, unfortunately. We'll see tomorrow night. I work with both Cathy and Tom so...

High school Revisited

About a month ago I started a new part-time job at a local restaurant/bar. When I say local I mean 3 miles from the house. I did this because I have to get out of the house more. I have to meet people. I have probably written about that many a time on here.  I've worked out of the house for 4 years now. While I love it, I've lived in this state for almost 2 1/2 years and I have made very few friends...none really. Except that gay couple whom I'm convinced is using me to get to Jeff. But that may not be true after all, but that's a different post.

So I got this job about a month ago. I work, on average, 2 nights a week. This week I work 3 (Wed, Fri, Sat) hopefully only because I'm taking 3 weeks off to head back to NY for the holidays in 5 days. If I come back and she's scheduling me 3 nights still I'm going to have to put a stop to that because these aren't the 4-5 hour shifts that I thought I was getting into based on my experience as a server in NY a few years ago. Okay...like 5 years ago at a chain restaurant. I wasn't expecting nor was I prepared for 7-10 hour shifts...each night. That's a lot of fucking running around! While the hourly rate is about double what I was getting in NY, the tips suck (they're all farmers and families around here) so I'm essentially working for about $15-$17 an hour. My hourly writing rate is at least 4x that. So no, I'm obviously not doing this for the money. It's nice to have a few extra bucks in my pocket to splurge on things I want but don't necessarily need (except my $150 boots...I REALLY needed those ;-) ).  Anyway...the bottom line is I did this to get out of the house and meet people. But now I'm seriously rethinking this decision.

First of all, this is like a true part-time job. Like 20 hours a week. I don't WANT a part-job.  Between my "regular" work and school, I never see J and S as it is. Having to spend 2-3 nights a week away from them on top of that makes me even more miserable.

Secondly, the people I work with are kind of shitty. Most of them are younger than me (early to mid-20s) so they're in that catty, bitchy stage in their lives. Plus we're in MN, the king of passive-aggressiveness and cold, detached behavior. People talk about "Minnesota Nice" but it's actually "Minnesota Ice" because people here are pretty shitty. They're nice to your face but will stab you in the back at their first chance. I'm not just talking about at the restaurant. I'm talking in general in this state. At least in NY you know where you stand with people.

So my coworkers are young and they all know each other having worked together for at least a few years. All of the front of the house staff are women...except for one of the bartenders. I'll call him Tim and he's about 36.

He's a pretty good-looking guy. Not hot, not ugly. He's about my height (5'9'') with an average build.  The first night I worked there he didn't go out of his way to talk to me but at one point he did introduce himself. I'm ALWAYS polite, mind you. I always say please and thank you to anyone who helps me...especially the bartenders. Either later that night or the next time I worked I was waiting for a couple of drinks and he said, "so...are you married?" (side note: I didn't wear my wedding rings at first because c'mon. A blue-collar bar filled with youngish construction workers? Yaaa.) The first thing I thought was "oh fuck." Now here's why I thought that:

About a year ago J and I went to that place to have a few drinks with our realtor and he served us. I remember it was him because 1) I thought he was cute 2) he's worked there for 5 years as the only male bartender and 3) he kept staring at me. I distinctly remember catching him staring at me on more than one occasion. I got up to go to the bathroom which is behind the bar and I saw him watching me the entire way. Okay. So I don't mean to presume anything but that makes me think he found/finds me attractive. Is that a far jump?

So back to the "are you married?" question. I kind of knew that was a loaded question. I worked in a restaurant before and I know how charged the atmosphere is for some God-only-knows-reason.  And I'll even go so far as to admit that I hooked up with 3 of the guys I worked with at that other restaurant. So yes...it's a pretty sexually-charged environment. What he asked was different from what what I heard. What I heard was, "are you available for me to flirt with and maybe at some point hook up with in the future?" Okay so maybe  not that last part but definitely the first part. 

Of course I had to be honest. He nodded his head and walked away. fuck fuck fuck. What's the problem with that, you ask? Again, I know how the restaurant thing goes. A harmless flirtation with the bartender "stud" goes a long way when you're trying to fit in with the group, as I obviously am because I'm the new girl. Not to mention the 10-years-older new girl. Would I act on it? Of course not. But that's not the point.

Ever since then (last 3 weeks), he's been super DUPER cold to me, snippy, and even rude at times. To the extent where it really makes me dread going to work.  NO ONE talks to me. I try to talk to them and they're slightly polite but no one starts conversations with me. It's to the point where if the restaurant is really dead I walk around and find piddly shit to do like fill salt shakers because I can't stand just standing there while everyone is talking and no one includes me. It's like fucking high school all over again.

It has bothered me for a while then I thought, "well maybe he's just a grumpy person to everyone" and that made me feel better. Except last Saturday when he was friendly and joking with everyone else. He even (and this was the last straw) interrupted a conversation I was having with the "other" new girl who has been there a month longer than me, just to tell her that they need to induct her into the "restaurant's drinking and hanging out club." While I was standing there...off to the side with her. HE INTERRUPTED OUR CONVERSATION to call that out to her. Now that was just rude and downright spiteful. My throat actually got a little tight with that one because it was so obviously mean. It was then that I got pissed. REALLY pissed. I vowed to give it right back to him. I stopped acknowledging him in every way, shape, and form. I stopped saying thank you, I stopped asking him for assistance if I need a bartender to ring a coupon or whatever. I will go out of my way to avoid any and all interaction with him at all costs. It shouldn't be like that.

The kicker? I have NO FUCKING CLUE why he's acting this way towards me. I didn't do anything to him. I've wracked my brain and all I can think of is that he got annoyed with me for asking too many questions when I was learning things or making mistakes or not knowing everything I had to do when I closed with him. That's normal stuff that happens when a person is doing something for the first time. It's not like I've worked there for 6 months and am still ringing in wrong drinks. I've never said anything bad about him, never talked about him to someone else, I've never been anything but polite and I always work my ass off. I am at a complete loss because I can't fix something that I don't know is wrong.

So last week I figured I'd pour a little salt in what may have been a wound. I wore my wedding rings. Not only did I wear them, I cleaned them so they were literally casting light on the bar because of the lights. If the light hit them the right way, you would get a stream of light in your eye. BAHAHAHA! I also wore my diamond eternity band on that finder as well so I had 3 diamond rings stacked on top of each other. Oh and I made sure I picked up every drink with my left hand. There was some serious bling going on and I made sure it didn't go unnoticed. Like if we were at the facing computers I would be like "hmm..." and touch my left hand to my face to brush hair away or something. 

I don't want it to be like this. It shouldn't be like this. This makes me really uncomfortable. That's why I'm going to put an end to it and confront him about things the next time I see him. He may be working tonight so if that's the case, if he's being cold, I'm going to ask him if I did something to offend him because I'm picking up on an attitude. I'll see what he says then. And if I get an "oh no, nothing is wrong." I'm going to use a trick out of their book and say something like, "okay good. I'm sure you're mature enough not to pull any passive-aggressive bullshit if you have a problem with me, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm open to you being honest with me since we don't know eachother all that well."

<sigh>

I've talked to J about this and he seems to think they're all bitter because I'm not a "lifer" and this is not my "real job" and that I'm just doing it to get out of the house. He thinks that me driving an Infiniti, owning my own business and being a grad student makes them assume I'm stuck-up and think I'm better than them. But the kicker? I WASN'T like that until I've gotten this negative reception. It's just showing me that I really AM better than them.

The moral of the story is that I don't know how long I'll last here because the last thing I need is to dread working every time and have my stomach in knots because people are being catty, rude little cunts to me for no reason.

Half and half

Sometimes I fucking hate my fucking dreams. And I fucking hate that you dream things for a reason...even if you're not even sure what that reason was.

A couple of weeks ago I had a nightmare. I'm pretty sure that it's because, after 6 months of meeting on a weekly basis, my therapist finally said something along the lines of, "what about we talk about the attack? We haven't really delved into that and how it relates to some things you're dealing with now." Okay. No problem. After 10 years I can talk about it as if I'm talking about a dinner party I went to the other night. I'm not the type to "re-live" it and I never was. I don't even think I had nightmares right after the fact. I went through the events of that night...the aftermath...and my behavior in the 4 or 5 years after. No proble. No tears. No fear.

A few nights later I had a dream I was in college and on campus. I was going door to door in an apartment complex with 2 other girls. We were on the "campus entertainment board" or something like that. We were asking people what they wanted for entertainment on campus. We knocked on one door and it was answered by the person that has haunted my dreams before...the ones I've written about here. This time it was different. I felt such animosity from them and their significant other who was standing a little ways behind them. They didn't even LOOK at me, yet they knew I was there. I was being ignored and I could feel the hatred. It was at this point that I excused myself and told my friends I'd wait around the corner for them. No sooner that I went around the corner than 3 guys approached me from the front and both sides and grabbed me and started dragging me across campus, all the while trying to get my pants down. I was screaming my head off...even thinking at one point, "I'm not supposed to scream help, I'm supposed to scream "fire" in order to get people's attention." That didn't work either. In fact, my friends and that person knew what was going on and ignored it. Before anything happened, however, I was (literally) scooped up by that big, teddy bear-like black guy in The Green Mile. No joke. I don't even know his name and I've never seen a movie that he was in other than that one yet here he was...my rescuer...while those others ignored my pleas for help.

So my therapist had a field day with that one. She said we stirred up memories of the attack, hence the violent events that happened but she also equated that person's reaction to me with the way I'm essentially acting towards them...you don't exist, I don't care about you, etc. Interesting. This was the first time I had dreamt of them in at least a few months. I had been relieved because I thought the dreams were over. For good.

Fast forward to 2 nights ago. I dreamt of them AGAIN. (I know, right?!) This one was very interesting though. In it this person wrote me a note apologizing for everything that had gone down and that they wanted to make it right between us. They gave it to me, stood there while I read it, and I actually felt really good around them. Cared about, even. Holy 180 from the last one! I read the note and said okay...I'd like that...and they asked to go for a walk. We started walking but then we came upon some people camping out, blocking the pathway that we were walking on. At some point one of the campers started talking to this person and they got distracted and the walk was delayed...or it ended maybe...then I woke up.

I can certainly surmise where the walk/campers/delayed and/or ended walking part of it. But the note and behavior displayed by this other person is what confuses me because it's not in their nature to do something like this...to make initial contact and apologize. Or at least be the first to apologize.

So two different dreams...two extremes...two ends of the spectrum...yin and yang...light and dark. Half and half.

Happy birthdays and forever goodbyes

It was my birthday on Saturday. It was a nice low-key day. It's different celebrating with no family or friends around. It's kind of lonely, actually. Some friends I had hope (and thought) would contact me didn't and those I hadn't expected to, did. 

But that's not what I'm writing about.  Seven years ago, the day after my birthday, my Dziadziu (Polish for grandfather) died. November 13, 2004.

We were close...my sister and I grew up a few miles from them and we were there a couple of times a week growing up. The things I remember most are his laugh and jokes and temper when my sister and I would fight. He would get so red in the face and spit when he was trying so hard not to yell. He would also try to sell us things of his we admired. "I like your shirt, Dziadziu." "You want to buy it?" lol

I'm not quite sure what caused his death. He had had cancer and a shunt put in and other things in the years leading up to this. I think it was organ failure due to complications of everything. I don't even know if the family knows the exact cause of death.

The last time I saw him was on my 25th birthday. I had gone to see him at his house. He was in home hospice care at that point and was in a hospital bed. He was so small and fragile. He had always been a guy with a big belly and he was so skinny at this point because he wasn't eating anymore. He was still very lucid, right up until the end. He couldn't really talk...it was hard to understand him. I went in there and held his hand. He kissed my hand and said 'happy birthday'. I told him I loved him and tried really hard not to be upset around him. I said goodbye.

You see, I had a planned birthday trip to Niagara Falls that weekend. I wasn't sure if I should go but in the end, after talking with my parents, I went anyway. After all, my boyfriend at the time (who I didn't even really like) had a whole weekend about ME planned. It was about ME. It was my birthday and I said my goodbyes anyway. I can't remember my thought process at that time, 7 years ago, but the 32 year old me sees (and regrets) that selfishness.

I got the call the next day, November 13th, that he had died. Apparently people were in there, talking to him and they walked out of the room for a few minutes, went back, and he was gone. I don't worry that he felt alone when he went. I actually think he felt satisfied with how everyone was dealing with the situation, and knew he could leave them. I hate that I wasn't there. Even after all of these years. I hate it. Even though I probably would've been just sitting in the living room and it was probably better for me emotionally not to have been there, I hate that I wasn't. I just feel like I deserted him because of my own selfishness.

I miss him so terribly...to this day. It's gotten better over the last couple of years. I never used to be able to think of him without crying...even 4 or 5 years afterward. I still cry on special occasions like his birthday or Christmas or Easter or the anniversary of his death. I visit his grave every time I'm home. I like to do it alone because it's a private moment for me.

I think it's gotten better over the years because I know he never left me. I know he's always there watching over me. That fact has been confirmed by more than one person who had contact with the spiritual word...even without me asking if he's there. I knows he is and every once in a while I'll get a reminder of a coin...usually a penny...left in odd places like in shoes or under the fabric softener in the laundry room. What makes those situations so strange is that we never carry cash therefore there would be no reason for coins to be lying around. Whenever I find one I know he's saying hi.

I truly believe he's the one that sent Jeff to me since 7 months after his death, I met him. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he would have loved him and approved of him from the moment they met. It makes me sad they never got to meet but I knnow Dziadziu knows him already.

I talk to him more. I ask for his guidance and help. I ask him to point me in the right direction when I'm not sure where to go. I ask for his help when I'm finding it hard to deal with something. I'm always comforted to know that I put it out there to him. I know he'll come through for me...in the way that's best for me. I trust that he always will.

So until we meet again, Dziadziu...I think about you often and miss you always.

The grass is greener on the other side of the boundary

Something has been bothering me and I know I have to make a couple of decisions and I'm kind of torn about what to do.

It's no secret that I have trouble with boundaries when it comes to friends. Ya...that's painfully obvious to me and those close to me. I put up with a lot of shit and bad behavior that I probably shouldn't. Which is strange because as a whole, I don't like nor do I trust people yet when it comes to "friends" I give them the benefit of the doubt and "forgive" them over and over again when many times I should be like WTF c-ya when things start happening that I don't like.

I'll try to make this story as short as possible but we'll see. A few weeks ago we went over the the house of that gay couple (men) that we hung out with a couple of months ago and where we had so much fun! I wrote about it here. I was frickin wasted and so hungover but we had such a good time! When everything was over everyone agreed we definitely have to get together more often.

Now we kept in touch via text and FB somewhat in the time that we didn't get together. Well, at least I did. I was (am) the point person when it comes to them. Fast forward to a few weeks ago. We were invited over again for dinner. We were told to arrive at "7ish" and that there would be 1 other person there...a female friend of who I will refer to as "John."  John, I should add, is the one who reached out to me for us to get together outside of the casual "relationship" we had from us patronizing a place where he worked. So it was John that we met first. 

Anyway when we got there John and this female friend I'll call "Joanne" were already drunk. Okay...so she was invited over early. Not a problem...we can catch up. Here's the kicker. When we arrived, John and Joanne were deep in conversation on the other side of the kitchen island. And while were were being greeted by his partner "Joe", John and Joanne ignored us. Okay...again...not a problem because they were obviously having an important conversation. A couple of minutes later John greeted ONLY JEFF. In some flirty way of course because that's all he does (more on that later.) He completely ignored me. I was standing like 3 feet away...by myself...feeling very awkward. Once that happened I did something like play with the dog so I wouldn't look like such a moron. He offered Jeff a drink and introduced him to Joanne...all the while I was being ignored. I was like WTF. After 5 minutes or so I called out, "HI. JOHN." To which he looked up with an expression that was half guilty and half surprised and said hello. It was at that point that Joanne came over and introduced herself to me. She then said something along the lines of "It seems we have a lot in common," and then went on to say that she's a creative director and a wannabe author and was really impressed that I had co-authored a book and was such a good writer, yada yada. I should've asked how she knew I was a good writer but didn't think of it at the time. 

We ended up talking for like an hour and really hit it off. I really liked her. I was excited because I thought I made another friend! Throughout the course of the night John, Joanne and I got drunker and were dancing, etc. All the while this was going on, John was hanging on Jeff. Literally. I'd look over and he'd have his arm around him or was flirting with him. Now I don't care because I'm confident Jeff is straight. I thought it was kind of funny. He even asked me to take a picture of the two of them, which he posted on FB. This wasn't new behavior but it had escalated from the first time we hang out and even got worse throughout that night.

All through the night the flirting got more and more heavy and at one point I even asked Joe if it made him uncomfortable. Of course I was drunk and that was none of my business but it was making ME uncomfortable at this point. He was trying to hold his hand, etc. I thought it was disrespectful towards both me and Joe. At the end of the night we all ended up downstairs on the big sectional watching a movie. At first John planted himself between Jeff and I and was rubbing both of our knees. Okay weird but whatever. Then he moved to the other side of me, next to HIS boyfriend. Cue the end of the night. Joanne slept over there and John and Joe said again how much fun they had with us, etc.

The next morning John calls me at 7AM because he had to go to work "and wanted everyone else to feel his pain." Jackass move but that's John. I was useless all day. But at one point later I mentioned the "lack of greeting" issue and Jeff was like, "Ya! I noticed that. WTF was that all about?" Of course I didn't know but I chalked it up to him being focused on trying to get my husband to switch sides...at least for the night. At this point the flirting and touching and innuendos was starting to get to me. It's getting more inappropriate than a slap on the ass as we were leaving like the first night we hung out.

A few days later I friended Joanne on FB and we've been chatting ever since. Earlier this week she put up a message saying she was a "hunting widow" this coming Friday and "was going to rent a room downtown and who wants to go out dancing?" I responded I'd totally go. We commented back and forth how fun it'd be. A day or so later I sent her a private message asking if it'd be ok if I tagged along with them Friday because I had a lot of fun with her and I don't get out much haha!" This was on Tuesday I think. SHE NEVER RESPONDED. She's on FB as much as me, which is A LOT yet she never fucking even acknowledged my message. I was pissed but again, gave her the benefit of the doubt that maybe they weren't going to go after all.

Then Saturday morning rolls around. I see an update from her about how she just woke up and it was noon. Then I saw John's status and it said something how he wasn't going to drink for a very long time yada yada, to which Joanne responsed "he he he." It was at that point that I knew they went out.

I posted a message saying something along the lines of "some people fucking suck" and about an hour later I get a reply from Joanne saying something like "oh I just got this message! Last night was a bust anyway, John got wasted and I was DD. Next time I go out you have to come, girl!" It actually came through as a chat and I saw it and immediately signed off because that last thing I want is to fucking talk to her. She also commented on a different status update a little while later and I ignored that too. I do not want to talk to her anymore. Then I got to thinking:

She's very possessive of John. She's older, 50, yet she lives her life like she's 30...our age. He's what I call her "pretty-boy-gay-toy" because he's very good looking and has a personality that people are just drawn to. So she's VERY possessive of him and I don't even think she genuinely liked me and instead was sizing up the "competition." After all, John never took an interest in what I do work-wise and never listened or even pretended he was listening if I ever said anything. Yet she knew more about my work than he did? All I can think of is one thing...she googled me...most likely to figure out "who she was dealing with."

I'm pretty sure it was just her and John on Friday night and she was going to protect that with everything she had. She wasn't going to let me, a younger, more attractive (and definitely a better dancer) intrude on her time with him. You know what? FUCK YOU. I don't have time for your games and back ally antics to keep him all to yourself. You know why? Because I've been thinking about it and I don't even think he likes hanging out with ME...I think I'm just an unfortunate side effect of getting to hang out with Jeff. I think I'm just a means to an end. I can't figure out if he knew about my message to her though...

The more I thought about the greeting snub, how heavy he comes onto Jeff, the fact that he routinely ignores me when I'm there and how he is blatantly disrespectful to both Joe and I when we get together the more infuriated I got (get). 

Jeff tells me yesterday that he emailed them this past week saying he wanted to put together a little get-together" for my birthday on Saturday and invited them. Joe said he was free and copied John in on the response. Haven't heard anything from John. Jeff said he'd be in touch with details. I told him yesterday that I was leaning heavily towards having him cancel this gathering because the last thing I want is to 1) have my husband practically accosted in my own home, 2) be ignored in my own home, ESPECIALLY on my birthday and 3) spend it with someone who is so selfish and who ignores the fact that his behavior affects people other than himself. You can use the excuse "I was drunk, I'm sorry" only so many times before it becomes obvious this is definitely a case of "a drunk man speaks a sober man's thoughts." In the end I went ahead and had him tell them it's off. I hope I'm not cutting off my nose to spite my face but based on the way I'm feeling and HAVE felt with John's behavior...I think I made the right decision.

Besides...I wouldn't want to throw Joanne in a tizzy with possibly stealing John away from her for even one night. He's all hers as far as I'm concerned. I learned a long time ago that you can't hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held onto.

 

The waiting is the hardest part...

Soooo....the last time I wrote I had just been approached to provide some of my images to the site OpenSky for possible inclusion in The Fabulous Beekman Boys' Annex store on their site. Weeellll...that meeting was yesterday and I'm pretty much checking my email every 3 minutes (yes I counted) to hear the verdict. Eeek! I checked my site's analytics and they looked at my site yesterday, presumably around the time of the meeting and after seeing the mounted prints I sent (that was a whole production in and of itself). So one could reasonably assume that they didn't hate the mounted prints therefore they wanted to see more, maybe to see if there's anything else they like or whatever. So I'm taking that as a good sign. But still! Give a girl a bone! I'm dyin' over here! 

Like I said before, no matter what the verdict, it's a HUGE accomplishment that my photography caught the attention of a frickin buyer in NEW YORK CITY. How many other green photographers can say that? Hell...how many photographers who try to make it as a full-time CAREER can say that? Exactly. So me and my year old camera are going to bask in the recognition nonetheless.

I'm too lazy to look back on my other post but did I also mention that same day I was contacted by a local recruiter who wanted to recommend me for a 5-month writing contract gig at a huge, worldwide company that is headquartered here? Ya. That put me in a pickle because I don't want to fucking write anymore, but I'm also very tempted by the money. So I sent in my resume and samples and surprise, surprise, they called me in for an interview. Which I have tomorrow. I knew they would call me for the interview and I know they're going to offer me the gig. That may sound strange but trust me I know these things. The good thing is I'm in a position to negotiate because I don't need this job. I don't need it and I'm NOT fucking crazy about being onsite for a "normal" work week. I'm currently juggling 5 other projects. From my own full-time business. There's no way in hell I'm going to jeopardize these projects...that are with long-term clients...for a 5-month gig. I'm not going to sacrifice that time just because someone wants to babysit me. It's work I can do from anywhere and I'm going to nicely point that out tomorrow. Or as nicely as I can. :)

My Fabulously Fortunate Friday

I can't remember if I've mentioned this on here before or not but I've gone down a different path career-wise over the last few months and have jumped into the world of photography. While it's not completely out of left field...writing to photography are under the large "creativity" umbrella, it has raised a few eyebrows. As in "um who the fuck does she think she is?" There have been naysayers and snickers and you know what? I really don't give a fuck. 

I have a store on Etsy and haven't sold a damn thing. Does that affect my confidence? A little. But it's also buried within the hundreds of thousands of other products and tens of thousands of other photography items being sold. So ya I got buried so I can't take it too personally. 

I'm not at all technically trained, mind you. It's been a year since I got my first "fancy" camera and it's an entry-level one at that. It's been only 4 months since I purchased a macro lens. I haven't taken any classes and don't know the first thing about the settings on the camera. I shoot with different ones at different times. I try things out and see what happens. Sometimes the shit that comes out of the camera blows my mind (in a good way) and other times they're filed under "shit in the recycle bin" immediately. Such is life.

I've joined photography forums and have asked questions and received feedback on some of my images. I got a few "you have natural talent" comments which is always nice to hear. I know I have a lot of ground to cover technically so the feedback is great. No, the images aren't perfect and I don't give a shit because I love each and every one of them.

This story is going somewhere, I promise.

Apparently someone recommended my Etsy store to someone from OpenSky.com. This Manhattan-based site is where they get celebrities and professionals like famous interior designers to be "curators" to recommend products to their followers. I think you know where this is headed...

Apparently someone saw an open call for original "works" from artists for the "gallery" of the The Fabulous Beekman Boys. Yes...the guys from the awesomely HILARIOUS reality show on Planet Green (if you don't know of it, you're 1) living under a rock and 2) seriously missing out on quality entertainment.) My Etsy site was sent to the people of OpenSky, a buyer checked it out...went to my website and I magically received an email yesterday from the buyer responsible for sourcing stuff for the guys. She and I got on a call this morning and she said she loved my stuff and wants to present some prints to Brent at their meeting at the end of the month. Brent, in case you don't know or forgot, used to be a VP in the Martha Stewart kingdom. He's an absolute marketing and entrepreneurial genius. And in just a few weeks, he's going to have his golden hands on 3 of my pre-selected photos. Mine. Me. The me who has no photography training and who has had her entry-level DSLR camera for a year. The me who just acquired Adobe Lightroom a week ago and who has yet to learn how to import photos let alone learn how to utilize it. Yes I'm THAT bad.

At this meeting Brent can choose to "endorse" my prints which means it will be added to his "calendar" and it/they will be featured for a top billing spot on their annex store on OpenSky. An email will go out to all of the people who follow their store with a description of the product and why he loves it so much. Only one product is featured per week and they have a "sale price" that week. Once the week is up the piece moves into their "gallery" of sorts to be there, on sale, for however how long. When anyone checks out their store/gallery on the site they will see the stuff he's chosen to promote as well as the detailed description of what he likes about it and why he chose it. HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT?!

Of course there's always the chance that he won't choose my stuff which is totally okay too because BRENT OF THE FABULOUS BEEKMAN BOYS WILL HAVE SEEN MY WORK UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL. He will have held them in his hands. And I know this. He's not some nameless IP address that shows up on my Google Analytics. 

On top of that is the fact that an art buyer from Manhattan liked my work enough to bring it to him. So in a way she's putting herself on the line to because she has to know her client (him) and his brand and if she brings shit to him that he's not going to like he's going to be pissed she wasted him time. So my money is on the fact that she knows what he likes and looks for. And that may very well be my beloved images. :-) If nothing else she said she loves them and will have some new artwork to hang in her living room. hehe

So if he does choose them to feature then there are all of the logistics to workout with OpenSky as far as product is concerned and order fulfillment which, thankfully, they take care of. Honestly? I don't care if I sell even one...it's the exposure that you can't put a price on. A celebrity has celebrity friends. And if he purchases one to put in the Beekman Mansion? OMG I think I'm going to pass out...

So anyway, to those who rolled their eyes and me and snickered when they found out I was pursuing photography...well...you know where you can go, because I know where I'm going.

 

Drunken Debauchery

Monday night found me getting wasted. This isn't a regular occurrence, of course, but I did. 

I had so much fun, though! Ever since moving to MN two years ago, I haven't acquired many friends. At least not ones to go out and have fun with. Sure, I've met and have gotten friendly with people at networking events, at school and I have a great neighbor across the street. She's my age and is really cool but she's got 2 kids and let's face it, our priorities are just different. Do I want to go out and get shit-faced drunk every weekend? No. But would I like a girls-only night of debauchery every now and again sans chitlins? Yes. I should mention that I've never asked her to go out, even for coffee, so I'm assuming that's not up her ally. When we do hang out it's usually at the top of our driveways or on her patio. Which is great but it's...not away from the house, and that's what I need/want.

So anyway, I have a number of friends, believe it or not. Yes, some people actually like my personality and enjoy my company at times. I'm as surprised as you are, but it's true. The problem is these people are situated all over the country. Therein lies the problem. Sure we email and are on FB all the time and I see them when I'm in the neighborhood but that's not the same. I was okay with my solitude at first because if anyone thinks I'm great, it's me, but it's been getting to me. I've even applied to a few places for casual part-time jobs so I can get out an meet people. One was at a coffee shop (chain) and another a local pub and grill. Nothing heavy...just something with other mammals. Apparently no one is hiring. Or at least hiring me.

Last Spring we started renting a PO box at a local store to get our mail because our mail lady is a nasty whore bitch and I don't want her cooties on my mail. There was this guy there and first things first I think he's hawt. Buuuttt...I soon realized he's gay. Which is totally cool and actually preferential because I'd be way too tempted to wow him with my slick moves if he weren't.   So ya he's hot. But he was also really cool. Or at least he seemed to be. We would chat (Jeff too) and he seemed to have a compatible personality. He seemed to have taken a liking (as in a LIKING liking) to Jeff which I think is hilarious. But Jeff is cool with shit like that so the whole situation is amusing to me. In fact I'm like "more power to ya!" if he decides he wants to check out the other side at some point. What can I say...I'm progressive like that.

So anywho...over the months we chatted and since he handled my mail, he basically knew what I did for a living. At some point I was joking about how the highlight of my day was getting out from behind the computer and coming to get my mail in order to get some human contact outside of my Walmart trips. The next time I went in he mentioned something about getting together at some point and gave me his number. I called him a week or so later and after playing phone tag for a few days we touched base right before July 4th. He was going away for a week and said he would call when he got back. Aaaannnnd he never did. Quite honestly I was kind of like WTF? Why say you wanted to hang out when you weren't ever going to talk to me again? I should mention he had left the job at the mail place. So that was that. I wasn't going to call him again and I wrote it off. Oh well. I chalked it up to me smelling bad. Or the fact that I typically went in there looking like a scrub.

Then last week he friended me on FB. I was like whatever and accepted. I don't have any hard feelings towards the guy. Shit happens.  I wasn't even thinking about it anymore, after 2 months or whatever. He messaged me something about getting together this week and I said sure just let me know. We were going to do lunch but then I mentioned Jeff couldn't come and if he was "dying to see him maybe we could do drinks later." He jumped at that chance. I'm not sure if it's because he WAS dying to see Jeff, was scared to be with me alone or just really likes to drink. Probably a little bit of everything.

So we went over to his house to hang out with him and his partner. They have a beautiful house and the sweetest little dog with a temperament very similar to Simon's. I was smitten of course. I had brought some wine, and there was beer and liquor floating around. Conversation really flowed and they were both really cool! Mind you, I didn't know him outside of casual pleasantries but I knew he was sarcastic and we had talked about how having a filter is overrated because people should just be honest for Christ's sake. But other than that we were virtual strangers. 

Before I knew it, I had killed a bottle of wine myself, he ended up finishing at least 2 glasses of Jameson (at the same time) and then he broke out the Captain and (diet) cokes. I had a healthy buzz after the wine but then he handed me some cocktails. Who am I to argue. We were all laughing our ASSES off at shit I don't even remember. I was having a blast! They are really easy to talk to and funny as hell. It was just one of those times when everyone just clicked and it was really easy to be with them. Time FLEW by and before I knew it, it was 11pm and he was on the phone drunkingly ordering a pizza which arrived and was inhaled by 12:30am, which then signaled our departure time.

Jeff and I both talked about how fucking cool they were and how we'd love to hang out with them again. I got home, became dizzy as all hell and stayed up to try to sober up a little because I knew if I went to bed I'd turn the bedroom in a vomitorium in no time. A little while I got a drunk text from him saying something along the lines of I love hanging out with you guys to which I replied it was a lot of fun and I was dizzy. Apparently I felt that last part was an important FYI.

Needless to say Tuesday morning I wanted to DIE. I don't ever drink, mind you. And I'm just about 32 years old and at that point where I just don't recover that quickly anymore. I got another text from him Tuesday morning confirming he was as fucked up as I was. We exchanged a few other messages between me drifting in and out of a very painful sleep where I was contemplating sticking my finger down my throat just to get it the hell over with so I could get on with my life.

I finally rolled out of bed around 3. Yes PM. And by that time I was feeling well enough to take a shower and then started feeling like a human. He wrote me on FB asking what my secret was because he was still feeling like shit. He said again how much fun he had and that his mouth hurt from smiling so much.

Which solved another mystery for me...apparently that was the reason mine was too.